May 1, 2018

Sunny, 60 Degrees, Southwest Wind 5 – 10 mph.

Well, here it is May already, and we’re having just the kind of perfect spring weather that I remember for May. This morning is far and away the warmest of the year and I am sitting on my couch in pain, unable to go out for anything other than a doctor appointment.

I worked through my pain all day yesterday and last night I paid the price in pain all night long. Today, I am continuing to pay the price. My left leg hurts continually no matter what I do, and it hurts intensely when I try to walk. It hurts pretty intensely even when I’m lying or sitting down. So I am off to the Urgent Care place again first thing to get more medication and stronger pain medication. The high doses of Aleve that I’m taking barely touch this kind of pain.

Last night I went out to photograph the Magnolia at dusk, and I was right that the light would be good. I liked what I was seeing, but my leg hurt so badly that I could barely shoot for a few minutes. My hands shook terribly from the pain and the unsteadiness of standing largely on one leg. Crap. What a disappointment.

This morning I watched the light on the Magnolia and it was beautiful until the sun came up and the contrast got too strong. It would have been a great time to shoot, but I couldn’t even think of it. The blooms are really beginning to open now and they will likely be fully open by the end of the day today. I want to catch every nuance of this process and I will miss this day and the subtle changes it has in store. Again, I am sorely disappointed and upset with myself and with this injury.

Tomorrow, maybe I can try again, but if history is any indication, I’ll still be in a lot of pain tomorrow. The mornings are the worst. The nights are not good. I lie in pain for hours, getting up only to take more pain medicine and wait for the pain to dull so I can get back to sleep. The first few minutes of getting up, getting dressed, making something to eat, are really painful as the medicine has not yet dulled the pain.

I have been waiting and waiting for this precious spring weather and all I can write about is pain and disappointment. What a shame. I know there is much more spring to come, but missing the Magnolia blooms is disappointing. Things change so fast once they reach that tipping point. The blooms have developed so slowly for so long, and then, once they begin to open, the entire thing is over in a matter of days.

Later

Well, it’s been another really tough day today. I’m in more pain than I have ever been in for a prolonged period of time. My left leg hurts all the time, ranging from a dull ache when I sit or lie down, to intense searing pain if I try to stand or walk. Walk is a generous way of putting it. I limp, barely putting any weight on my left leg before quickly transferring back to my right.

I am so disappointed to be derailed from my project. It’s not over, of course, but it’s stalled when all I can think about is pain. I am loaded up on pain killers and muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories. It makes my head dull, but the pain remains and blocks out almost all thought or action anyway.

I am afraid for what tonight may bring. I keep waking up in extreme pain, trying to find a position where my leg will not hurt, but there is none. Then I have to drag myself up, check the time to see if I can take more pain medicine, then go back to bed and wait a half hour or an hour until the pain subsides and I get tired enough to sleep for a couple of hours.

I am not accustomed to this. I am not a frail or sickly person, but today I had to step aside to let able bodied people walk past me as I tried to get to the pharmacy counter. It took minutes to walk the length of the store and it was extremely painful.

My wife has been kind, and helpful, but I hate to put any burden on her. She’s already stressed at work and doesn’t need to be taking time with me. But I really need her help. Just limping to the kitchen to get medicine and water or any food, is extremely painful. I need to ask her for help.

Frustration is my main feeling—at being stalled in my creative work, in my home remodel, in life in general. I can’t stand it. I hate feeling this way.

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